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Home » The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints » General Conference & Devotional Discussion » Overcoming abuse through the atonement (Need Help)
Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1126 is a reply to message #1123] Tue, 18 September 2012 23:11 Go to previous messageGo to previous message
Ashleyd is currently offline  Ashleyd
Messages: 100
Registered: May 2012
Senior Member
Yeah its true. I don't think any two abuse victims are the same. I may have made some of what I went through sound lighter than it was but I didn't really want to go into detail about it. I can say though that the bad physical abuse mostly ended by the time I was about 6 because my dad vowed to stop because he could not handle physical discipline with his temper. I still got regular spankings by my mom and other people with switches and belts but growing up that was just normal to me and it wasn't until much, much later in life that I even considered that to be abuse. The other stuff though was bad enough and I knew that wasn't supposed to happen because you don't hear people talking about those things.

I understand what you mean about having a bad temper. Both my mom and dad had quick and high tempers and my dad could suddenly fly off the handle about the smallest dumbest things like forgetting to fill the ice tray in the freezer and you just learned to walk on egg shells all the time because you never knew when he was gonna blow up. So that is what I have to fight. Not being stupid like that and over reacting about things when I get stressed. I have to stop and think "Ok, what should the appropriate response be to this situation?" Im already light years better than my parents were but there are moments where I have definitely lost my patience. Spanked out of anger,and yelled. And then I of course felt horrible. Iv'e never used a weapon to spank though. Just my hand. I can't figure out why most people will think getting spanked with a thin piece of wood or some weapon is ok and not child abuse. If the child is old enough that you need to use a weapon to inflict pain then they are most likely old enough to use some other method of reasoning to teach them but as I said I think physical discipline is a really bad way to teach anything period. It just teaches them to be violent to their siblings and that when other people don't do what you want them to you hit them and just try to force them to do what you want.

I remember my husband and I saying...ok, "Why are we trying to teach our oldest son not to hit his younger brother by spanking him? " So we were trying to teach him not to hit by hitting him. Even then we knew it didn't make sense. And since he never attended pre school or anything to learn it from some other kid we knew the only place he learned hitting from was us. Ouch. It was the beginning of us fully realizing how absurd it was but still it has taken us a while to finally decide to just stop the spankings completely and its much easier said then actually done I'll admit. I don't judge people who do it because I understand that its a pretty common thing and most people are brought up with it and you just think since its normal it must be ok.

Also, I just wanted to clarify what I meant by understanding your parents mistakes and it helping you to forgive. I hope I didn't come across like I meant you SHOULD be understanding about the abuse or that there should be excuses for it. I just meant that understanding that the abuse wasn't because of you. I guess I just didnt fully get that until I had kids of my own and felt sorrow for some of my own mistakes with my oldest son and it helped me to understand that my parents destructive behavior really wasn't because they hated me though sometimes I thought so growing up. Granted a lot of the things they did was on a whole different level but the reasons why they did those things were still similar. It was because they hated themselves. I think when they looked at me and got so angry it was really themselves that they were angry at. And it helped me to better understand that they really did/do love me in spite of those things. Granted I grew up in an odd environment. A mixture of love AND abuse. Both my parents had good and bad. A Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde version of themselves and I know that Im lucky to have had the love I did have because some people don't get that at all. As you said there are many different degrees of abuse and for some people its worse. And some people have parents who feel no remorse for the abuse they inflict and their abusers don't hold anything back or bother trying to control themselves.

It's good that you are working through these things now. I think I was in denial about a lot of things myself or just didn't realize how bad it was until I had my own kids so I didn't get to start trying to work through these things until I already had one. Because of that I think you are already on the right track for sure. You will undoubtedly be a much better parent then yours were. Just try not to dwell on the mistakes that do happen because in my experience when I do that I am more likely to make the same mistakes again and more often. The worse I feel about myself the worse I treat others. I am trying to learn to repent immediately for things and then let go so it doesn't keep happening and I get stuck in a downward spiral.

Because I was abused Its hard for me to not dwell and dwell on mistakes and not feel like I need to punish myself for them. Part of being abused is the guilt syndrome that comes along with it. I don't know why when you are abused you learn to blame yourself for everything and you start to feel guilt for anything and everything...even things that are not your fault. But when you know something is your fault its even worse. I think part of it is that sometimes I still see Heavenly Father as super angry with me and hating me every time I mess up because that's how I grew up. I think it's part of the reason I have a hard time believing that the savior wants to forgive me and heal me. When you have a parent who goes on and on and on and was always railing you for something simple like dropping something or forgetting to do something you learn to do the same thing to yourself. And it can be a terrible habit to break.

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