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Home » The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints » General Conference & Devotional Discussion » Overcoming abuse through the atonement (Need Help)
Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1116 is a reply to message #1115] Tue, 18 September 2012 09:45 Go to previous messageGo to previous message
Dragon is currently offline  Dragon
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Registered: June 2010
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Ashleyd,
This is a wonderful topic and I am glad someone had the courage to bring it up on the forum. I have been dealing with this issue as well, struggling to find a way to put an end to all the negative self talk and hatred I have for others as a result of the abuse. One reason for my reluctance has been the few people on this forum who know my true identity. It is very hard to bring up this subject with people who are friends, or even family. Why? Because of the very real fear of judgement. What will they think of me? If I accuse someone we both know of this abuse, whose side will they take? There are many other questions, but these are not the reason for your post.

The most important things I have learned through my own journey are:
First, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is ill equipped to deal with this issue. Sometimes you will find an understanding Bishop who will refer the abuse victim to a therapist. And sometimes you find a Bishop who thinks they can deal with it themselves. What's more, the lessons of love and forgiveness of others taught endlessly in Sunday School, Sacrament Meeting, etc, simply DO NOT directly APPLY TO ABUSE VICTIMS. The LDS Church has gotten better at allowing victims of spousal abuse to get away from the abuser without being socially shunned or counseled to try and save their 'eternal marriage.' I think everyone here can agree that if there is spousal abuse, the Holy Spirit will never ratify that marriage.

Secondly, forgiveness, as understood by the LDS Church is not always possible in cases of abuse. Particularly when it happened at a very young age. What I mean is, this is not an issue my heart can easily let go. I cannot ignore what happened and focus on how the person is today. There will be no reconciliation in this lifetime, and I believe the abuse breaks the sealing bond of families, as I find it difficult to believe I would want to spend eternity in that persons company. What's more, the abuse runs deep into the personality, twisting and changing the entire life, not simply a few weeks or a couple of months of emotional pain, but decades of intense suffering for most abuse victims. Though I believe I will someday forgive and reconcile myself with God on this issue, I will never reconcile myself with the abuser. NEVER.

Third, and this is something which may only be applicable to me, the abuse has changed my personality to such a degree that it goes way beyond a desire to do good or a desire to do evil. The event has changed my soul in a way beyond what my own choices to sin ever could, except I should choose to destroy myself. The Savior recently told me if He were to make everything instantly better, the way I want, my soul would not get untangled. He would be doing me harm if He untangled my soul for me. I was given the promise I would someday be healed, and it would be in time to fulfill my foreordained calling in life. But it would require a long and difficult healing process.

The good news is, the Gospel is one of COMFORT. The Holy Ghost is a comforter. The Savior is the Second Comforter. When times are hard or painful, the Holy Ghost has provided me with needed comfort. So has the Savior. I know them better for needing their comfort so often and so completely. It doesn't eliminate the need for the journey of healing, but it does make it more endurable. What's more, if I am calling on the Spirit or the Savior daily for comfort, how could I possibly commit sin, when doing so would drive away that comfort?

I KNOW it isn't easily to be in a church which emphasizes family so much when the family I grew up in had this kind of disease. But I am determined to make it end. I will NOT repeat the cycle of abuse. When a song or a gospel lesson talks about family, I think only of my wife (and future kids). Otherwise, I would not be able to endure the trigger. This is why I cannot work in the Primary right now. They focus on the relationship between parent and child. Until I have a child in the Primary, I cannot focus on my own children when those things come up.

There are a dozen other side topics I could go into, but I think I've said enough for now. Ashleyd, know that you are not alone. Not only are there others in your ward who have endured this, but there are people here who have endured it as well. What's more, the Holy Ghost is there to comfort you, and hopefully you can partake of the Savior's comfort too.

- Dragon

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