Home » Calling and Election Made Sure » How You Received Your Calling and Election Made Sure » I wanted a Renewal (if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now? Alma 5:26)
| I wanted a Renewal [message #3645] |
Fri, 16 August 2019 17:19 |
Soulwriter
Messages: 1
Registered: August 2019
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Junior Member |
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During my mission I had sought the Lord. I wanted to be able to bear testimony of him in a very real way. I wanted to really know what the spirit was so I could bear testimony and he would speak. I was reading 2 books at the time, 1 was Jesus the Christ as companion to the New Testament, and the other was Spiritual Roots to Human Relations. There was a page in Spiritual Roots that caught my attention. Basically, as I recall , it was a story Covey told of going to a group of students and talking to them about chastity? He had them quiet down and search within themselves if something was true. The answer they received was different than the one they were proposing. (Sorry its been 40 years). That story struck a chord, so I tried it and then I understood how the spirit talks. Then I went to Him to know my weaknesses. The biggest one was sarcasm. The Lord also told me what was behind it and why I responded that way which was insecurity. We went through quite a few of my weaknesses but not all. I would meditate every morning as part of my scripture study time and luckily the companion I had was very supportive. The Lord and I would talk during meditation about my day and how I needed to respond in situations that would occur. He was my best friend and I knew of the tremendous love he had for me and others. He told me things about the importance of people and started teaching me more about the spirit. It was then he blessed me with the gift of Charity. Maybe I am odd but it doesn't seem like the way it is taught in church is how it felt. I could look at a person and feel total love for them, I literally rejoiced in their triumphs and felt deeply their sorrows. At the same time we were teaching a man who had gone through several sets of missionaries. He considered himself an atheist, but I told him I would play a game of chess for every lesson he would take. He agreed! (This is a miracle because I am by far the worst chess player ever). Then I changed companions. We began the lessons. The spirit was so strong in that room. We rehearsed the Joseph Smith story and bore testimony of the truthfulness of it. Rick didn't understand the spirit so when it would bear down I would bear testimony of it, telling him that what he felt was the spirit. To get him to further understand I asked him if he was ever lost in the forests where he hunted. He said yes, and I asked him how he got back. He said he followed his gut. Well, that is the spirit of the Lord which dwells with you! You are not atheist Rick, you are agnosic. From that lesson we continued the next week. In the following lesson I bore testimony that Christ was in the room. The spirit was so strong it was visible, at least to me. Finally after about 3 lessons Rick asked me, how do you know what I am going to ask before I ask it, you answer me every time before I get it out, that Rick is by the spirit, because I can assure you I didn't know I was doing it. So came a big test, my companion went to the mission president and told him I was too close to this guy and that she felt that something inappropriate was going to happen. (Looking back that was another flaw--authority figures were gods) I was transferred immediately. I was so upset, why, was my big question, the mission president didn't even talk to me about the accusation, I was just gone. The elders who took my place were cool enough but I felt the spirit was so strong I wanted to continue the lessons. Rick and his wife would come to my new area and My companion and I would teach him, but because I was so thrown by this maneuver the spirit was not like it used to be. The elders baptized him and my mission was soon over so I went home. I would try to meditate but could never get back to the groove, I would pray and receive answers but not like before so I felt that God was mad at me for sure. I would pray and pray I could get the gift back but it didn't happen. I struggled for years like that. I couldn't forgive myself for not maintaining the depth of spirit like that particular time of my mission. So after my mission I got married and was soon expectant. My son was born with multiple birth defects, my husband couldn't handle that and I got pregnant again, so he sent me home before the birth of my second child and divorced us. Again I struggled with how do you leave your own blood. I would pace at the back of the chapel and yet there was a peace that tried to surround me. I remember sitting in a rocker in the middle of the night feeding the baby and seeing the Lord walk across the floor. I was to into my pain to get into Him. During that time I would have dreams of the spirit world and of the last days. I sat in the temple and an open vision began. I looked around and wondered can't you people see what is happening in front of you? I asked the Lord to close it because it scared me. Another big mistake in my mind. My next husband was a strange beginning. I was praying about marrying him and I saw a vision open up and saw angels going up and down a staircase. I was blessed by them and I felt it was because this marriage was going to be tough as this husband was being given a chance to redeem himself, and I needed help. It was tough, and we divorced 5 years later. I swore I would never marry again because I chose men poorly. So then in comes my husband now. He is a patient fellow and very supportive. He is a member but not a believer. I told the Lord I was tired of struggles like before so he changed them. We were sent to Europe and lived there for some years. My parents were already gone but my nephew committed suicide in the beginning of that move. His father (my brother) was so upset he got cancer from the anger he felt and died 3 years later. My oldest brother committed suicide 2 years after that. I decided to travel and see everything I could until our program was over. 7 years ago it was. When I came back to the US I told the Lord I have a hole in my life and I feel lost. I started studying again beginning with Glorious Visions. Holy smokes that was a flame thrower. The Lord meant business. I plead for forgiveness and to be made white. I told him you have always promised me I would see your face, help me to be worthy. (I know it is willingness not worthiness) I wanted to be there to help him bring about Zion. So it began, I would ask a question and the Lord would lead me to a book or a blog or a person or just tell me himself. I asked for forgiveness and he said you are forgiven, several times, because I needed reassurance. Meanwhile I asked for a baptism of fire. He kept switching it to calling and election, like a fruedian slip, I would think to say one thing and out came the other, every time. I was dogmatic. The Lord told me I had one. I told him I need a renewal. Please give me a renewal. I fasted 48 hours several times and once almost 72. I gave up Dr. Pepper (hey that's saying something for an everyday habit) He did, it burned within and at the same time I saw his face. He was surrounded in white (flame I think) and I sunk to my knees and exclaimed, " oh Lord my God" and sobbed. Once in church I was listening to the speaker and I suddenly because aware of my spirit crying, truly yearning out to serve. It was independent of my brains if that makes sense. Next I asked for my calling and election, he said you have that. So I asked what then am I to do. He told me to read D&C 15 and then 4. 4 I knew, as does everyone who had ever served a mission. My calling and election was ratified by the Lord I think. Now I am seeking for the next step.
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