Home » The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints » General Conference & Devotional Discussion » Overcoming abuse through the atonement (Need Help)
| Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1115] |
Tue, 18 September 2012 00:17  |
Ashleyd
Messages: 100
Registered: May 2012
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Senior Member |
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I wasn't sure where to put this topic so mods feel free to move it where ever you think is appropriate. This is a topic of great importance to me because of my great personal struggles with overcoming abuse. I was abused a lot growing up in many different ways. I have to fight really hard at times against doing similar things under stressful situations and I realized I have never found healing from this abuse and I want to make sure it ends with me.
How does the atonement bring healing to those who have been abused? I originally wrote out a really lengthy message about this but decided to just delete most of that and make it shorter and simpler to read. Is there anyone who has had personal experience with overcoming abuse?
[Updated on: Tue, 18 September 2012 04:39] Report message to a moderator |
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1116 is a reply to message #1115] |
Tue, 18 September 2012 09:45  |
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Dragon
Messages: 499
Registered: June 2010
Location: Earth
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Senior Member |
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Ashleyd,
This is a wonderful topic and I am glad someone had the courage to bring it up on the forum. I have been dealing with this issue as well, struggling to find a way to put an end to all the negative self talk and hatred I have for others as a result of the abuse. One reason for my reluctance has been the few people on this forum who know my true identity. It is very hard to bring up this subject with people who are friends, or even family. Why? Because of the very real fear of judgement. What will they think of me? If I accuse someone we both know of this abuse, whose side will they take? There are many other questions, but these are not the reason for your post.
The most important things I have learned through my own journey are:
First, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is ill equipped to deal with this issue. Sometimes you will find an understanding Bishop who will refer the abuse victim to a therapist. And sometimes you find a Bishop who thinks they can deal with it themselves. What's more, the lessons of love and forgiveness of others taught endlessly in Sunday School, Sacrament Meeting, etc, simply DO NOT directly APPLY TO ABUSE VICTIMS. The LDS Church has gotten better at allowing victims of spousal abuse to get away from the abuser without being socially shunned or counseled to try and save their 'eternal marriage.' I think everyone here can agree that if there is spousal abuse, the Holy Spirit will never ratify that marriage.
Secondly, forgiveness, as understood by the LDS Church is not always possible in cases of abuse. Particularly when it happened at a very young age. What I mean is, this is not an issue my heart can easily let go. I cannot ignore what happened and focus on how the person is today. There will be no reconciliation in this lifetime, and I believe the abuse breaks the sealing bond of families, as I find it difficult to believe I would want to spend eternity in that persons company. What's more, the abuse runs deep into the personality, twisting and changing the entire life, not simply a few weeks or a couple of months of emotional pain, but decades of intense suffering for most abuse victims. Though I believe I will someday forgive and reconcile myself with God on this issue, I will never reconcile myself with the abuser. NEVER.
Third, and this is something which may only be applicable to me, the abuse has changed my personality to such a degree that it goes way beyond a desire to do good or a desire to do evil. The event has changed my soul in a way beyond what my own choices to sin ever could, except I should choose to destroy myself. The Savior recently told me if He were to make everything instantly better, the way I want, my soul would not get untangled. He would be doing me harm if He untangled my soul for me. I was given the promise I would someday be healed, and it would be in time to fulfill my foreordained calling in life. But it would require a long and difficult healing process.
The good news is, the Gospel is one of COMFORT. The Holy Ghost is a comforter. The Savior is the Second Comforter. When times are hard or painful, the Holy Ghost has provided me with needed comfort. So has the Savior. I know them better for needing their comfort so often and so completely. It doesn't eliminate the need for the journey of healing, but it does make it more endurable. What's more, if I am calling on the Spirit or the Savior daily for comfort, how could I possibly commit sin, when doing so would drive away that comfort?
I KNOW it isn't easily to be in a church which emphasizes family so much when the family I grew up in had this kind of disease. But I am determined to make it end. I will NOT repeat the cycle of abuse. When a song or a gospel lesson talks about family, I think only of my wife (and future kids). Otherwise, I would not be able to endure the trigger. This is why I cannot work in the Primary right now. They focus on the relationship between parent and child. Until I have a child in the Primary, I cannot focus on my own children when those things come up.
There are a dozen other side topics I could go into, but I think I've said enough for now. Ashleyd, know that you are not alone. Not only are there others in your ward who have endured this, but there are people here who have endured it as well. What's more, the Holy Ghost is there to comfort you, and hopefully you can partake of the Savior's comfort too.
- Dragon
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1121 is a reply to message #1116] |
Tue, 18 September 2012 15:25 |
Ashleyd
Messages: 100
Registered: May 2012
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Senior Member |
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Thanks for the post Dragon. My problem isn't so much with forgiving my abusers. It is with forgiving myself and trying to make sure that I do not pass down the abuse to my children. I feel ashamed to say that to some degree I already have passed down some of this burden to my oldest son. He has already learned some bad habits and behaviors because of me and I feel terrible for the times I have exercised unrighteous dominion and have been unkind to him. He is a real challenge and always has been. It's not so much of an issue with my youngest son. He is pretty typical for his age and his bahviors are not anything I am ill equipt to deal with. Before I had kids and after I had joined the church I felt that I would be so much better of a parent then mine were and I think I am doing better already then they did. But I know better then they did and have much more knowledge then they had also since they did not know about the gospel or the restoration. It's hard to talk about these things with others for sure. Especially when they cannot understand what it is like and just how hard it can be to not perpetuate the cycle. The abuse I endured is much worse than anything my son has had to endure from me but still I do not take my mistakes lightly and feel horrible for any amount of emotional pain he has to endure because of me.
Sometimes I wonder why HF would place him with me knowing his particular challenges and his personality and knowing my past and the things I would struggle with as a parent from having bad examples for most things. I have been told HF placed him with me because of my particular gifts and that I would be able to help him but I often feel like I am not only NOT helping him but that he is going to end up completely messed up because of me. I never realized how much the abuse affected me until I became a mom and my oldest son got older. When he was a baby I couldn't even imagine ever getting angry with him. Much less losing my patience or being too hard on him. The sorrow I feel for my constant mistakes is sometimes unbearable and I feel hopeless and completely helpless to change myself the way things need to be changed.
I suppose I am looking for the Savior to just fix me and do it quickly so that my children won't have to deal with the burdens of my own abuse and then continue to pass it down the family line. I love my family so much and want them to have the wife and mother they deserve. I have grown a lot but the growth process feels slow and painful at the same time. Right now is a particularly challenging time because we just had our third child and she is only a few weeks old. So post partum depression, fatigue and lots of other things have combined to create the stressful situation I am in that has made me to not be a very good mom the past few weeks. Just in the past few days things have gotten better as I have made myself rely on the Lord more and work harder to remain patient and kind regardless of it all and how much my oldest child who is about to turn four refuses to listen to me.
I haven't been a believer in spankings for quite a while and tried not to do it much but at times I could still feel myself doing it more out of anger and less as a teaching tool. Iv'e come to realize its no way to teach. Trying to control using fear and force are detrimental to the soul. Its just that, that is all I know. So now I find myself trying to rely even more on other methods and it doesn't seem like any teaching methods or forms of discipline really work with him and then I start to want to fall back on what I learned because I get so frustrated that he wont learn and listen. I am resolved not to do it anymore and not to do it to my other kids either and my husband has agreed not to do it either.
Anyway, I just hope that the Lord will continue to strengthen me and heal me so that these things truly end with me.
Maybe once you become a parent it will help you to forgive and let go of the mistakes your parents made Dragon. It certainly is very difficult. But since becoming a parent myself I have been able to understand my parents better and understand that the things they did to me really had nothing to do with me. That they really hated themselves and every time they inflicted pain on me in one form or another they hated themselves more and it was a downward spiral. I also know that they were abused themselves and were doing what they were taught. I don't try to excuse their actions because on some level they knew what they were doing was wrong but I just understand that, thats not really who they were. They let the pain drive them to dark places and they never got the help and healing that they needed.
For some reason it has been easier for me to forgive my dad then my mom. Forgiving my mom is still an ongoing process and maybe its because she still hasn't changed much and my dad did change a lot and apologized for things and took responsibility for his actions but I do have desires to forgive her but having a desire is only where it starts and actually forgiving doesn't take place over night. I think I understand at least partially how you feel though our circumstances were likely and maybe even very different. I just try to remember that forgiving her is for me and not for her. She doesn't need forgiveness from me and my forgiveness is not going to help her at all or save her in any way. She needs forgiveness from Christ and those are things she will have to work out with Him. I do know that forgiving is part of the healing process. I hope you know that I do not judge you one little bit for your struggles with that. And forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean you want to let them in your life or that you should so those are really two different things. I may forgive my mom but it doesn't mean that I can suddenly trust her. Sometimes separation is vital to the healing process. You can't really worry about healing when you are still in the thick of it. It's not until you are out of it and in a safer environment that people can even try to reflect and move on.
I wish I could give you a hug. I know how deeply the scars can go. And I understand perfectly what you mean about your personality and your soul being distorted because of the abuse. It's part of the reason I have such a hard time believing Christ wants to forgive and heal me for my mistakes because I was raised the way I was and my parents were so hard on me and I grew up feeling worthless and hating myself because of the abuse. I was abused in every way possible. I was abused sexually..not by my parents though. But I was put in one of those situations to be abused because my alcoholic mother did not have her wits about her and allowed me to sleep in the same room alone with some guy she worked with. I had to defend myself as a little girl at like 8 or 9 years old because my mother passed out in another room on the couch. The reason I got away from him was because once I woke up and realized what was happening I punched him in the side of the head and started hitting him. I think it startled him and he let me go.
I went in the living room and tried to wake up my mom but she wouldn't wake up so I just laid down beside her until the morning and then I went out to the car as fast as I could because I did not want to see him again. I was afraid. My mom only found out because I told one of my cousins later about what happened. I remember my mom cried and blamed herself for it and I remember consoling her as a child telling her it wasn't her fault he was a bad man but what I failed to understand at that age was that my mom should have been consoling me and she should have been there for me and protected me. But I didn't know anything different. My relationship with my mom has always been somewhat backwards. Iv'e never had a real mommy type of mom.
She usually only calls me when shes drunk and usually wants the conversation to be all about her but that's just how it is. The interesting thing is that of all of the abuse I actually think the sexual abuse affected me the least. The abuse by my parents is what affected me the most. The yelling, the name calling, the manipulation from my mom, the verbal and physical abuse I received from both of them but mainly my father. I wouldn't change my family though and I love them dearly and want to spend eternity with them. In spite of their mistakes they both have good in them too. I actually miss my Father terribly. He was really the only stable parent I had left. He did mellow out a lot as he got older and he stopped the physical abuse after one particularly bad incident when I was small and he did later apologize for those things when I was older. He did still occasionally slap my brother and I in the face which was totally humiliating. And he never was a patient man and always had a bad temper and a knack for verbally assaulting you when he lost his patience. He told me on a number of occations that I was stupid, helpless, a failure...etc... but I think those were things he really felt about himself. But he also had a very gentle and loving side and a wonderful sense of humor and loved to play games with us and have fun. My mom also has a good heart inspite of her alcoholism and selfishness I still think of her as a good person. She just has a lot of pain to still overcome and I hope she does.
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1123 is a reply to message #1121] |
Tue, 18 September 2012 17:56 |
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Dragon
Messages: 499
Registered: June 2010
Location: Earth
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Senior Member |
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Ashleyd,
Thank you for the reply. I will admit, from what you have said about what you experienced, our situations are very different, but they both were created by a traumatic past. What I read in your post tells me you wish you could forget all the abuse, and act the way someone would who was never abused. It is possible to get there, but not overnight.
I have many painful memories to work through, and I need to accept what happened in each one to the point that the memory of it does not cause a panic attack or an outburst of anger, or whatever. That part of the healing isn't easy, and it isn't fast. But I'm already on the path, and I know I'll get there some day. When I do, I won't forget what happened to me, but its affect on my life will be diminished.
The other side of the coin, acting as if it never happened, requires me to study what the proper response is to a given situation. If I catch myself reacting with anger, or panicking, I know I must take a step back and analyze the situation, looking for a new response. It is SO hard to catch myself, and when I do, it is often difficult to take a step back. It's so much easier most of the time to use my physical strength to get my way. Yet I know I should not do this. So I have been studying as much as I can without children present, because I fear I will yell at them, handle them roughly, lose my temper when they refuse to obey, stuff like that. Sounds like the normal fears of a parent. Except I have a quick temper thanks to the abuse I experienced. I have a loud voice which goes right through walls. I'm taller than average, and well built, which makes me intimidating to most men, let alone a five year old child. And, as you said, I don't want to parent with fear.
As to better understanding the mistakes of my parents when I have children of my own, I will say I do not think you would suggest such a thing if I detailed what 'mistakes' my parents made for which I currently suffer. They did make plenty of 'normal' parental mistakes, and I really don't care about those anymore. The things they did for which I can never reconcile, have nothing to do with parenting, except to say they should have protected me from people who would do such things, but instead they were the perpetrators.
There are varying kinds of abuse, and varying levels of abuse. Jesus knows them all, and knows how to comfort us. He cannot change us overnight into someone who was never affected by it, but He can guide us on a path to get there. But it does take time.
- Dragon
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1194 is a reply to message #1115] |
Mon, 01 October 2012 19:32 |
Jeremy
Messages: 20
Registered: June 2012
Location: Alaska
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Junior Member |
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Ashley
How does the atonement bring healing to those who have been abused?
To understand how the atonement brings healing we need to have some understanding of what the atonement is.
Ashley, what is he atonement?
Dragon
First, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is ill equipped to deal with this issue.
The LDS church has a few tools available to it that makes it well equipped to deal with this issue. One particular tool is The Book of Mormon. It is a tool that if one is obedient to the laws given, with pure intent, the first comforter and ultimately the second comforter will befall you and life you up. Up high above the dark mist that clouds our view, our love, our understanding.
Ashley
Sometimes I wonder why HF would place him with me knowing his particular challenges and his personality and knowing my past and the things I would struggle with as a parent from having bad examples for most things.
Probably because He knows your PAST. Not just the past you know...or rather, remember. He remembers the Ashley from a bazillions years ago. I am sure He loves that Ashley so much so, that regardless of her lack of understanding, her weakness, her past, He trusts her to find the way...and bring her little flock with her.
DragonThere are varying kinds of abuse, and varying levels of abuse. Jesus knows them all, and knows how to comfort us. He cannot change us overnight into someone who was never affected by it, but He can guide us on a path to get there. But it does take time. ditto
JulesI want you to know, that the spirit has testified to me and to others I have spoken with - about your greatness - something that you do not seem to realize! Please let this stranger be another witness to the truth of this statement. It is true!
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1206 is a reply to message #1203] |
Sat, 06 October 2012 23:33 |
Jeremy
Messages: 20
Registered: June 2012
Location: Alaska
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Junior Member |
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DragonCan you show me which scriptures offer comfort on this topic?
Dragon, I can only give specifics that have provided ME comfort, strength, and hope. I would hope they provide you the same pleasures.
I realize that I specifically mentioned The Book of Mormon but I hope you will allow me to use other LDS scripture as these are the initial thoughts that I had.
From my own experience, this type of cheating ones soul is beyond description and comprehension. The word "pain" does not justly express the sorrow, loss, and manipulation ones soul experiences from these actions. Those who are acted upon, and those who do the acting. Either way, the Father of Lies uses such evil works to manipulate a very precious truth. That is to say, he would have you and I believe that no one loves us. No one cares for us. No one hears our voice. No one sees our tears as they fall to the floor. No one knows we exist...our soul has no value...to anyone.
This is a lie and is overcome by this scripture:
10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;
11 For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him. (Doctrine and Covenants, Doctrine and Covenants, Section 18)
Not only is my soul of value...it is of great worth. Not only does someone know my pain...my Redeemer suffered it.
Sometimes I forget where I currently am in life and on this journey. This scripture, though probably not in the specific context you are hoping for, has been a good reminder:
20 O, how could you have forgotten your God in the very day that he has delivered you? (Book of Mormon, Helaman, Chapter 7)
I have much reason to rejoice. Not only because of the freedom of not being acted upon, but also the liberation brought from knowing I have value.
Another comforter or witness has come while pondering Alma 32.
28...It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me. (Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 32)
I mentioned the loss that is felt. Conscious or sub conscious, the loss is real. For many that void is filled with some other "thing" to take its place. Maybe for most this is anger. Others might feel guilty....or even both. But if somehow you recognize these dark fillers that reside in your heart you can remove them and in their place allow the word to go. The word can do more than fill a void, it can do something that is simply miraculous. It can ENLARGE ones soul.
Not only is my soul valuable...but it can be enlarged!
Well, now the scriptures have overcome (for me) a major lie that served to manipulate and destroy my potential. Now it is time to seek the gospel. Now it is time to fill my soul with that which is good and true. It is time to eat and drink, and be filled.
8 And he said unto them: He that eateth this bread eateth of my body to his soul; and he that drinketh of this wine drinketh of my blood to his soul; and his soul shall never hunger nor thirst, but shall be filled. (Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi, Chapter 20)
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 7)
He is fully aware of the sufferings of the innocent. He took upon Himself these very sicknesses. He knows...He counts every tear, every drop of blood. He hears every cry...the loud and the silent. He is our Savior. Not only from our sins but from our sufferings that have been given to use from the Father of all wickedness.
Dragon, I assume you were/are looking for something more specific. I elaborated these particular verses to only show how they have touched this soul...my soul. The context might not be satisfactory. For that I apologize and hope those who are more scripturally aware might chime in. However, as you have probably experienced...the spirit speaks words of comfort that might not be directly read from the pages of this miraculous book...which are there. That is how these scriptures have spoken to me. By comfort and strength beyond my own.
As I said previously, this is a great tool. By following its precepts one will get closer to God (right?). As I have gotten closer to my Father my acquaintance with the spirit has given me great strength, great comfort, and great hope. I have had the blessing and pleasure to have "good" fill the void...and it has come through the tools afforded me by the LDS church.
I do not share this witness to judge those who do not feel as I do. I have compassion for them...and understand the misery and darkness that surrounds. My hope is that they too might find pleasure and love where ever He would have them find it. My witness is that it is there...a brightness of hope IS available to all souls...for they are HIS.
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1208 is a reply to message #1206] |
Sun, 07 October 2012 07:33 |
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Dragon
Messages: 499
Registered: June 2010
Location: Earth
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Senior Member |
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Jeremy,
Thank you for your reply. It was put together well, and does contain several concepts with scriptural backing which many sufferers from abuse should find helpful. It is true, I have found great comfort from the Lord in knowing how much He cares for me and understands my pain when no one else does.
Sadly, my experience with the church has been people telling me I'm just not praying hard enough, or not reading enough scripture to make my pain go away. The concept that the gospel can heal ANY pain leads to an aversion to using psychotherapy and/or pharmaceuticals to overcome past experiences or correct imbalances in the brain.
As a sufferer of past abuse, and Bipolar Disorder, I have great need for both psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals to overcome these challenges. I cannot make the pain go away simply by reading scriptures. The scriptures and the Gospel and the comfort of the Spirit are very necessary in the process. They help me through the worst of the pain. Sadly, no matter how much I try to give my pain to Christ, or simply let it go, the pain is still there.
I truly believe God is more forgiving towards those who suffer from such things. He will reach out more quickly and more powerfully to help when we seek Him out. But, for many cases, no amount of praying, scripture searching, or church attendance is going to heal the soul from the scars left by others. Not on their own. This is what I meant by my comment. I must confess I let my focus narrow too much. I forget sometimes that the things I learned directly from the Spirit can be found in the scriptures and grow into what I have learned.
For those who need therapy and medications, we also need God. Many of us must use all three to overcome transgressions we are compelled to repeat as a result of past abuse and/or chemical imbalances. One thing we need more than any other is comforting. I have found great comfort by using the teachings of the Book of Mormon to draw closer to God and feel the comforts of the Holy Ghost and the Savior. I hope everyone who suffers from such things can find that path while not neglecting the other methods God has developed to assist us.
- Dragon
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1210 is a reply to message #1208] |
Sun, 07 October 2012 18:55 |
Jeremy
Messages: 20
Registered: June 2012
Location: Alaska
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Junior Member |
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DragonSadly, my experience with the church has been people telling me I'm just not praying hard enough, or not reading enough scripture to make my pain go away. The concept that the gospel can heal ANY pain leads to an aversion to using psychotherapy and/or pharmaceuticals to overcome past experiences or correct imbalances in the brain.
This is very interesting to me. I wonder why I have seen and experienced the exact opposite. In fact, my experience has shown how quickly the gospel takes a back seat to psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals.
I do not cast ill judgment on those individuals who use those methods. I do feel saddened when those methods are where trust is placed though. As I said, I do not judge...but I am not one to recommend pharmaceuticals. I feel as though to elaborate would take away from the spirit of this thread...not because you can't handle it...but because I am quick to defend and prove I am right....  thus pushing out the spirit. That, and I am often wrong.
I would like to encourage you to continue trying to "give that pain to Christ". In my experience it is almost impossible to remove something from ones soul without putting something in its place. You may have tried this...so forgive me for my ignorance, but rather than simply asking for Him to take it...you might ask for Him to replace it.
I learned this principle one day a work of all places. We had an incident when multiple files had been deleted off of a computer hard drive. The files were very much needed and there was a sense of panic in the office. One of those sweet tender mercies occurred. As I tried to find a method to recover the lost files I learned how data is stored on such a drive.
Not to insult anyones intelligence but the short version is this:
All data is packages of 1's and 0's. So if you have a file stored somewhere, the first digit of the file is a 1. That one means the space is being used and cannot be overwritten. When you delete a file the data isn't washed away...the first digit is changed to a zero, telling the computer that that space is available for new data. The old data is still there...if you know how to change the 0 back to a 1 you can recover the data....but, if new data has been placed in that location it is MUCH more difficult to recover said data.
So...what I learned was the memory of our souls does not forget just because we say "forget". We MUST replace the pain/memory with something else. If we do not, it will always be there...and that evil one will work and work to change the 0 to a 1...and let use live it all over again.
The Book of Mormon has been an awesome tool to teach me how to replace said data.
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #1252 is a reply to message #1251] |
Thu, 11 October 2012 15:11 |
Jeremy
Messages: 20
Registered: June 2012
Location: Alaska
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Junior Member |
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Dragon
You believe the majority of LDS Church members are in favor of psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals, but you yourself do not recommend them.
I do find that the majority of the LDS Church members that are in my area that I converse with (FYI - ALASKA) are in favor of pharmaceuticals. And it is correct that I do not recommend them. However, as I said, I do not judge those who use them.
Dragon
The implication is you believe no one should need them because there is a better way to deal with such problems. Is this what you believe?
The simple answer would be "correct". No one should need them. That is not to say that there are not those individuals who do need them. I believe there are...according to their faith.
D&C 42
43 And whosoever among you are sick, and have not faith to be healed, but believe, shall be nourished with all tenderness, with herbs and mild food, and that not by the hand of an enemy.
I might be wrong to assume this so please don't take offense. This is my understanding as it pertains to me at this time. I read and understand that verse to be distinguishing between two laws. A higher and lower. The higher law pertains to those who's faith will heal them. The lower law pertains to those who's faith will not heal them so they shall be nourished with herbs and mild food.
We could start a less edifying conversation about my understanding leading me to believe who "not by the hand of an enemy" is...
As a side note to that thought. Currently I am sick. I use herbs. My faith has not been sufficient to heal me  I rely on herbs.
DragonBecause that is what I see in the Mormon culture; people who believe faith can cure all ills without the aide of medicine. I do not live in such a place to see Mormon culture believing this...if you don't feel accepted by Mormon culture because of the use of pharmaceuticals...move to Anchorage Alaska...that is if you want to be accepted
Dragon
The sad truth is the human mind is not a computer program. It is not easy to erase memories, or overcome their effects in our life. Healing is a tough road to walk, and every journey is as individual as the person taking it. Personal revelation is vital, and sometimes, so are pharmaceuticals.
Erase the memories...I hope I didn't give that impression. The memories are as vivid as I allow them to be. Their effects is what can be erased...as far as the mental/spiritual pain that is.
I agree that the healing is a tough road to walk...it feels much more like crawling with your belly to the ground and your nose digging a trench in front of you. Yes, very difficult. And yes, personal revelation is vital. Are pharmaceuticals...I don't think so. I think pharmaceuticals are for a certain realm...a certain law...but not vital.
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| Re: Overcoming abuse through the atonement [message #2401 is a reply to message #1267] |
Wed, 01 May 2013 10:46 |
bishop
Messages: 144
Registered: July 2010
Location: USA
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Senior Member |
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Ashley, Dragon, and Jeremy,
My heart goes out to you. I was also physically and emotionally abused as a child. I have several siblings who still suffer immensely from our childhood. We are all in our fifties and sixties. As for me, the abuse seems to be long gone. I know that I am more paranoid than most people and I have an intense resentment for those who abuse their authority. But the pain and emotional suffering of forty years ago are just an unemotional memory for me.
I do credit the Savior and the Gospel for removing that pain. And I know that he is personally overseeing my continued growth unto perfection. Strangely, as a bishop, I came to see that having been abused put me in a unique position of understanding others who suffered abuse as children and adults. I was able to help many who had suffered in this way. I came to be grateful for my own abuse because it enabled me to help so many others to deal with their abuse. I know that this may seem sick and twisted, but it is very true.
I can so relate to the negative self talk that you have referred to. It is so simple to carry on the abuse by negatively talking about ourselves. Then we feel guilty for treating ourselves that way. I want you to know that positive self talk is important. Also, what helped me a lot was to give myself some slack. In other words, I said to myself, in essence, "You have been abused; it is natural for you to talk abusively to yourself. I forgive you [me]. But let's try to talk positively to myself. What is something positive about myself?" Then I spent much time reviewing positive and good things that I have done. The Spirit has helped me to see the good within myself. When I was called to be bishop, I went thru a terrible struggle to accept that I could tell other people what to do and delegate to them. I felt so insecure in this. Over time, the Spirit convinced me that I was worthy and that the Lord accepted me and that my ward members accepted me. I must not be the terrible person that I was depicted as in my childhood. Over time, as the Spirit washed over me relentlessly, the pain eroded away; the self abuse wore down; the memories lost their emotional power.
Each of you has had and will have tremendous spiritual experiences; experiences that the "normal" members of the Church do not think are possible. Each of you are fulfilling your mission in life. Self talk these and so many other positive things when you feel the pain and the negativity approaching. These spiritual experiences are always filled with Love, God's love for you. This Love is a powerful force in erasing the pain of abuse.
To fully comprehend that we are children of God is the most powerful weapon against the abuse. I know that this is a very hard thought to comprehend. But I ask and pray that you try to accept it and embrace it.
Love from others who love us for who we are is also a very powerful tool in overcoming abuse. The problem is that abused children often grow up to have abusive relationships. Even so, we can always have a non-abusive relationship with ourselves and with God. As a child, I adopted Heavenly Father as my father. This was my escape. He was my confidant in times of need for acceptance [still is].
So, in summary, over time, as we learn to accept what the Spirit witnesses to us about ourselves, we learn to overcome the lies that were pounded into us as children [adults], as we learn to stop the negative self-talk and fill that void with positive self-talk, we erode the negativity that is our constant state of mind. As we associate with the Spirit, his sanctifying and loving power slowly but most assuredly deletes the scars of abuse from our souls.
One more thing that I have learned is that because of my abuse, I am more aware of certain realities which most people are not-I am more in tune with certain things. This is what led me to "hear" the Spirit more than the average person and to perceive and accept spiritual things more easily than most people. It could be that each of you has had the same experience. Perhaps your escape mechanism was a spiritual tool that has actually benefited you to such a degree that you now find yourselves ahead of the pack in spiritual things.
I hope you find these thoughts helpful. I know it is a very heavy thing to overcome abuse. My prayers are with each of you. I am confident that God and angels are working to help you overcome, and that you will overcome. Perhaps it will help you to know that I was sorely abused as a child and that I have overcome by being on the same path that you are now on [that of living the Gospel]. I send you my sincere love and prayers.
Bishop
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