| My C&E and my change of Heart [message #2425] |
Mon, 06 May 2013 23:22  |
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Sheol27
Messages: 49
Registered: April 2013
Location: Wyoming
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To preface this story I need to give some history about myself for this has been a journey and not a place that I arrived at over night. I take after my mother for one. She is upright in keeping the commandments but sometimes finds it difficult and disgusted when people commit certain grievous sins. (Anything harmful to a child) In fact I have found people like Orrin Porter Rockwell very intriguing.
A few months ago, I was talking with my best friend and his wife and they know that I am kind of a nerd when it comes to the gospel so they were asking what I thought would happen to certain people that committed certain sins. My reply, "I'm not sure but I am hoping that God sub contracts their punishment out!" The wife giggled and said "That would be the perfect job for my husband!" (He is way good with firearms, better than most military personnel) I related to this at the time. 
This makes me think back to when I arrived home from my mission and the Stake President was interviewing me for release as a missionary. He asked me what the "turning point" in my mission was? I thought for a moment and told him about when I came to realize from a general conference talk (President Faust) that we wouldn't be judged just by our deeds but the Lord would look at our heart's as well. I was a very obedient missionary (I could go several weeks without slipping up on a tiny rule) but sometimes I didn't feel that I was being obedient out of love. (Our mission president made us write down which rules we would break if we broke more than 2 rules a week) I have struggled with the universal sin of pride and I believe in being honest and when you struggle with that sin and you are honest, there is no way that you are going to want to write down your wrongs and send them in! It was easier to keep the rules. Anyways I told my stake president that my turning point was when I realized that I needed to change me more within. (For me this is not an overnight journey)
To further illustrate my heart at the time I have a mission story that probably helped lead to this needed change of heart. We met this lady tracting and we spoke to her at the door. She was definitely pregnant. No doubt. She spoke to us in a way were she appeared to me hardened towards us and not willing to learn but yet we talked her into letting us try back at a more convenient time. (I wouldn't have called this a good lead yet) We walked away and I said I silent prayer inside. I told God that I thought that her heart was hard and I asked God to soften her heart and make her more humble.
I may not see things beyond the veil as frequently as others in this forum or have the miraculous power to frequently heal people from dreadful sicknesses but my gifts are different. IMHO that is a good thing because it gives us the chance to serve each other more with our different gifts. As soon as I said what I said the impression came to me that she would lose her child. I feel sorry for this. My wife had this happen to her as well when we had no children yet but when I returned she had lost her child and IMO she was for sure not in her 1st trimester like my wife was. I did not pray specifically for her child's death but I did pray for the Lord to humble her. Needless to say I felt really bad.
I brought this painful story up for a reason. I have enemies today. It is sad to say but it is not my choosing. Due to the church I belong to and the standards I have chosen this has created me enemies. (I don't currently live in Utah) I don't believe in revenge. It says somewhere in the D&C that we lack faith if we don't leave revenge in the Lord's hands. Because of previous experiences I don't pray for the Lord to humble people either. (I do pray that he protects me from such people though)
The Lord has put me in a place where I don't have to deal with these enemies all of the time. Meanwhile someone on this forum messaged me after I had been starting to soften my heart more towards these enemies which I didn't hate I just wanted to be left alone by them. Anyways this person which I believe is inspired messaged me, offering me a book about the C&E. When someone offers you a gift at no cost it is, IMO, needful to take serious. I ended up having to travel out of town soon after receiving it. It was a great companion to have. On reflecting on it I had some great spiritual experiences that shed light on previous spiritual experiences that I did not hardly comprehend.
I didn't go about getting my C&E exactly how the book said. I had already been communicating with God and had been given a prior list of things that I needed to change. (I have been praying about another big decision that I need to make) God kept giving me things that I needed to improve. I decided that I needed to fix those things (with the Lord's help of course) and in my mind, I should wait a whole month or so and with fasting and prayer I should ask for the promise of exaltation. I prayed and told God what I was working on and what my goal was. He witnessed to me that it was right. I had the impression that if I asked then that perhaps the Lord would have told me yes already but I feared to ask. I wasn't ready to receive His response.
A few days later I was in a cabin high in the mountains in Utah where the family was having a get together. It was a peaceful outing. Late at night I was praying with great feeling to our Father. The Holy Ghost told me again to ask. I did. I received my answer. I don't wish to focus on the peace that I felt in that answer but what came next. I have explained already about how my heart has been. As a laid down I pondered what had just taken place. Another feeling/ presence came over me. It was a feeling of love. I felt no hate, no dislike in me whatsoever towards others. I even felt love towards my enemies. I had not had hate but I found love? I feel now that I have changed. I even pray that my enemies may feel it in their hearts to become my friends.
I do believe that love in the most important attribute that we can have and that it was out of love that our oldest brother would come down here from off His thrown from above and suffer for us that we may become like Him. I testify that when he was kneeling at Gethsemane in tremendous pain in that exact moment He was filled with Love not Anger like many turn to in pain.
I am the oldest of my siblings in a large family and I can honestly say that I would do anything for my brothers and sisters. I love them and want all of us to be with each other in Heaven but I believe that the Lord has even a greater love for us. When we feel that love and care that what will give us the strength to move on to change our hearts. If anyone else feels that their hearts need to change as well, I challenge you to ask God to teach you how important you are to Him and to His son.
I do have many questions still as far as things about the C&E and the 2nd Comforter but I think I will save those for another time.
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