Home » Calling and Election Made Sure » How You Received Your Calling and Election Made Sure » I Didn't Even Realize
| I Didn't Even Realize [message #3583] |
Mon, 23 October 2017 16:34  |
Lily
Messages: 4
Registered: October 2017
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Junior Member |
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Wow,
I just typed my whole experience and lost it because of some submission error.
Let's try again.
To introduce myself, I have been a member of the church my whole life. My family has all been members their whole lives.
In 2007 I read a book called 'Window of Heaven' or something similar. I havent been able to find it again and am hesitant, after the intense kick it gave my entire existence.
Anyways, I've always loved God and have tried everything I can to follow Him in ALL ways. Unfortunately, I didn't see in my innocence, that that wasn't enough to get to Heaven with Him. I'd had all my ordinances, and done it all in the name of duty to Him.
However, I was miserable. Nothing in life satisfied me. My family abused me continuously, despite being active members, even still to this day. My husband was wonderful but I couldn't even appreciate that because I was miserable. All I wanted was to return to Heavenly Father. I remember wanting to die, from the time I was very little, but God restrained me from even forming anything further along those thoughts. He would distract me and I would instantly want to find a way to serve and love even my abusers. I found solace in friends and activities (hiding from my pain of missing Father) until I was married, but my patriarchal blessing said to guard VERY carefully who I spent my time with. As I soon after began to discern how empty my relationships were, I began to isolate myself. I began to become CONSCIOUS that the world was treating me badly. Not just family, but friends and ward members.
So, at that point, not having the knowledge or strength to change or discern celestial beings from any of the lower, I isolated myself from everyone but Heavenly Father and my husband. I prayed. Then I found that book.
They book had visions of the upcoming doom for any lower than a celestial existence. I'd been shielded from any knowledge or conversation until that point in my life. By then I was married and had a little boy.
Oh! After he was born I was so depressed, lethargic, and ill, I felt strongly that I actually had cancer. I felt so lost, and my life which I thought was doomed to misery I felt coming to an end. So I prayed to Heavenly Father. I had a baby boy who I knew must NOT grow up without a mother. When my baby was 3 months old an angel came in the night. Not gonna lie, it was so scary! I thought someone broke into our house. The angel, without saying a word told me to read the word of wisdom.
I read it the next day and feasted on it. It taught me things, even the hidden treasures it speaks of.
This experience and the knowledge attained sustained me spiritually. But my heart longed for something more. I was still craving Heavenly Father, but I yearned to SERVE him now.
However, slowly, bit by bit he crippled me. In 2007, out of desperation, reading that book, I prayed that if I could see the Lord, please explain my life. But no. I also prayed desperately to be ready for the terrible things in those visions.
After that I began to have dreams of my own. They seemed just like dreams at first, but then I realized I was being given the gift of interpretation. The dreams were telling me things.
The problem was, though, they were telling me that my natural man wasn't enough. I misunderstood and thought I needed to serve more. I began to take up schooling to become a writer, despite feeling emotionally and physically drained often. I had to watch what I ate just so I had enough strength to 'function like a normal human's. I still wanted to have one foot in the world and one foot in heaven.
There was a whole lot of "Daddy, God, save me." All the while I masked it with efforts to be MORE and do MORE.
At that point in my life I wanted more and could feel it. I had visions of how when the scriptures say if we don't accept the atonement, we will suffer even as Christ did. I saw myself lying before God's throne, writhing in pain, with the Lord next to Him, them watching me, helpless do do anything. I didnt understand what it meant.
I can say now that Heavenly Father was sad that I had to come to know, on my own, that I hadn't accepted the Lord's atonement. It hadn't been intentional. I only wanted all God's children to return to Him. I had many strange and devastating moments where I cried about all the lost spirits in darkness. My patriarchal blessing speaks of my life before this and so I KNEW, I had tried to convince even those convincing others to the dark. I wanted ALL God's children to return. I'd still remembered even with the veil, how vast God's love was, and knew if they could just let it in, they'd change. In this life I'd still clung to the vain hope and sadness from before this life.
Well, after much trial and sadness for years, I decided to practice my faith in ignorance. I knew God and wanted what He embodied--love, hope, light, healing and complete faith.
So, I set about for that. I felt driven that a miracle, if necessary could happen in anyone's life. Why I felt driven toward this is particular to my nature, but my trial of real faith began as I felt a divine calling in 2008 to give birth to my daughter, at home, without drugs, and was promised it would be pain free.
I felt the darkness converge against me my whole life, but this desired birth really upped their efforts. The description of dark spirits coming to envelope Joseph Smith-- I began to perceive that I was being given a diluted version of that, like at %70. This began at about the last 5 months of my pregnancy, and lasted until this spring. It got incrementally weaker by each step I took to knowing Christ as we might know a friend.
At first he was a pedestaled figure. At one point after my daughter was born I actually saw His face in my husband and Father in laws faces. I knew then of further meaning of receiving His image, and being in His likeness, and being His hands. Also, during the "crazy time", two other dreams and an event came to bolster My faith. (My husband and I can thankfully now joke about it and call it, "you know, that time when I was crazy?", but it was horrible!) In one dream, I was marrying the Lord literally. I didn't know that all the stuff in Revelations, and didn't understand until later what it meant. I also had a dream where many dark spirits were standing menacing around me. And I was afraid. But then they all took off red masks with horns and had repentant faces underneath and told me thank you. I felt so much love, but I will leave that dream at that. Then, a few days after my daughter was born, I had this powerful and strange sensation come over me. I thought I WAS Christ. I had so much love for all people and wanted to heal everyone and remove their ailments. Instinctively, knowing my body was healing from childbirth, I laid my hands in my stomach and blessed that it would be to full working order as I no longer needed to grow an infant. My stomach began to instantly refuse in size. By the next day, all outward sign of having been pregnant was gone. I will leave that at that.
Anyways, going back, after my daughter was born I heard a peaceful voice saying I was done with the life in the natural man, and that I was saved. I wasn't used to such direct communication. It both thrilled and confused me. My father in law tried to give me advice, something about calling and election I didn't understand then.
However the darkness was so bad, and my postpartum body was still weak somehow, even if it didn't look like it, I didn't feel right. (Probably hormones.) After hearing the first voice, dark voices found the need to chime in, and I went insane. I hadn't been given any understanding before then on what to do, and I floundered around, scared that no one would believe me. I got put on drugs.
I felt as if I was two sides of a coin internally--like Christ and Satan were at war inside me. I would feel a foreignness (the language of heaven), then human language, from devils shouting confusion and preying upon my EVERY fear.
Long story short it was so hard, I have no words. YET! At the same time so simple. I came to learn the difference between spirits pretty quickly. A hellish spirit compared to a celestial spirit....the celestial I WANTED to believe. Despite the fact that what the angel said didn't align with this reality yet, and was usually symbolic, and what the dark spirits said tended to easily sound credible, I came to realize I could create my reality. If I believed that people would treat me bad, they did. If I didn't, I received understanding on who to trust and who NOT to trust. (Both spirit and human with a physical body.) I could literally believe whatever I wanted. I know that sounds silly and so simple, but I'd been under dark oppression for years. I learned then that most people take for granted the opportunity to choose and do whatever they want.
It was still so hard and a heavy burden, so I kept praying and wishing the Lord would come. If He was our Saviour, why wasn't He SAVING me.
Well, He wasn't saving me, He was teaching me. He was coming to me in my sleep almost nightly, but I didn't realize this until later. I got stronger day by day. But, when I'd wake, it's like the natural man wanted to release all hold of spiritual knowledge and I'd have a sense that I was changing, then I'd get miserable again and wonder what I'd done wrong.
Through it all, I learned to discern spirits, and be patient for the Lord's timing. Misery was insubstantial in that it was just a mindframe. The closer I got to God and the Lord the happier I became, and the more lasting it was.
No more was there a desire to only live in duty, but in heart and purity alone. No more did I want to DO things, guessing, but to KNOW all things. Then, no more did I want to KNOW, but to BE. To exist, one with God, and His son. Living together, talking together. I didn't have to see them with my physical eyes because I felt them with me. They would talk to me. I had come to discern spirits well enough that I could hear the difference between the Father and the Son. And they want to speak with us, all of us, like this everyday!!! Their love and presence is the best companionship you will ever receive.
By this point, I still didnt know I had already received my calling and election. Sorry, Im dense.
To reach this point in my connection with them, I had a period over time,about 2 years ago, Christmas time. I started to go crazy again. I was miserable (should have been a dead giveaway that they were bad spirits trying to influence me, but I still didnt have enough Godly confidence). I sat in my room praying and reading the scriptures, feeling like hell was trying to invade my presence and destroy me. They wanted me to end my life. And they preyed upon my having discerned my husband need to do some shifting in his life. He'd been such a gem, but after everything we'd been through, I knew our relationship had become codependent, and my celestial angel was teaching me how we could rise up and be happier and live a celestial life together. My husband didn't believe me. (I had been crazy before and was beginning to lose it again, so couldn't blame him.) I felt helpless, and the thing holding me was my tender hearted son and vigorous sweet daughter whom I knew needed their mom and dad, TOGETHER.
It was that night of prayer and scripture that God came to me. The Lord had then begun to let me know He was coming to talk to me at night, because I began to remember it. And my Angel would bring it up, and I felt a familiarity with Him that I realized I knew Him well before this life and He knew me, and I loved Him dearly. And He was cheering me on. HE wasn't here to save me, He was here to teach in the spirit, then watch and cheer as I overcame in the natural man. His love is so precious and dear, I love Him so much. This was so hard, and His love motivated me.
That night, as I sat in misery and just said, " Please, God. PLEASE." At that point I didn't know even what I was asking. I just wanted to be happy but, wanted what God wanted for me because despite everything, I knew He loved me so much.
It was then that I felt Father sit behind me on the bed. Looking back on that night, my husband slept through it all.
I would have thought I would see a bright light just like other experiences. But I didn't even think to turn around. All I saw in the room was blackness, but I felt the Love of a living Father in a way I didn't know was real. I'd been abused by my own father, and had no concept about what a Father's love felt like. Now I knew, in the natural man. My spirit knew before, but my mind reeled and therefore would sometimes listen to dark spirits in desperation for love.
It was then that He told me, " Lily, YOU are enough."
I stopped crying for a moment like a puzzled baby. I didn't know what He meant. I was enough? Enough what?
Then I sat there and felt Him leave. I never thought once to turn around. My spirit had no doubt Father had been behind me. He was Father, creator of my soul. One cannot mistake that.
Well, unfortunately the misery came back after He left. I began searching the scriptures again, still thinking, at that point I must KNOW somwthing.
The process repeated, where I cried under the weight of darkness, and wanted Him to help me. He came again. I felt Him there, saying, "Lily, you are enough."
Something had begun to sink in by then but I didn't know what. It was some sort of realization that I was learning to be weaned off Him as a child, to a spirit adult.
But He had to leave, let the darkness have it's moment once more, where I somehow decided I DIDN'T WANT IT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE, and Father came back and said, "Lily, YOU are ENOUGH."
I felt something change. I felt I'd been giving permission. To release all darkness. To banish it. That I was doing the work prepping for the millennium. I'd mistakenly thought the Lord would come save me. But the Lord had plans not for me to be saved but to be SAVED. Meaning I could learn, piece by piece, to be His sister and friend and beloved companion for eternity, and we'd get to together be with Father. That their will one day be a family reunion like no other. And that I would have no satisfaction but to walk next to Him, not beneath Him, in likeness, having overcome all. His love and faith in us is so powerful, I really wish more people knew. Like REALLY knew.
I was on the last part of a journey that had ended after my daughter was born, then also not ended. That trial of faith was over. I was learning was uncondional love really was. I began to myself as an heir to Father's Kingdom. And He'd Then answer that with a perception of myself as a princess. Not a silly Disney one, but one like Him, in LOVE, Grace, domino, principality, knowledge and compassion for all living beings. I cried a lot that Christmas. And my husband and I worked things out and the craziness just went away. Disappeared. No drugs. Just the living Love of God replacing my desire to be loved. I began to gain confidence like never before.
Then my earthly family--as I began to live up to a celestial life, in continuous light and love--tried to cozy up to me and drag me down again.
Now, I had finally gotten close enough to the Lord to hear Him say, "Lily, just as I cannot receive those whom don't receive me, nor can YOU receive those who do not receive me. Father didn't give them to me, so you, with your sensitive nature, most certainly cannot receive them. Turn once and for all from darkness and to the light. One cannot love darkness and not become it. Let me be the one who travels through hell. Your love in likeness of the Father will not go ignored."
So, I had to cut ties with my family this Spring. It was devastating. I wanted my whole life to help them. I know it was probably stupid to want to help people who abused me. But it was my own mother and father who raised me, and my siblings, who I partially parented, being the 2nd oldest of 8 kids.
It wasn't long until after. That I then received a visit from my angel in the night. The most beautiful spirit in love and light, and rainbows of color appeared before me while I laid in bed. Actually--my body did. My spirit floated in and slightly above it. I was going through my body, but just lifted off the bed. She was leaning over me. But the odd situation was what impacted me. It was the waking from sleep suddenly, to the most beautiful feeling of love you can ever imagine. Like angels stunning and prisms of rainbows. It was such bliss.
Information flooded me. I was finally prepared for a celestial spirit to visit me in fullness. To this day, I am driven to share this woman's love. She carried the love of our Heavenly Mother. I wish she would come back, but I know she is always with me. She talks to me most days, and I'll never be alone or question whether someone is safe to be with. I like to call her my spirit mom. I wear a necklace that she told me to buy that helps remind me of her beautiful love.
I suspect that I've been healed of the unhealthy family ties now.
It was this last week that I decided, " No more messing around. I want some answers. I DESERVE some answers." As to what has been happening and why I felt like a foreign being on this world.
I was then led to this website. I've asked answers before, but it wasn't time. Ahhh, 10 years of trials is so long! I feel like my natural man is no longer an enemy.
So that's my story. I actually don't really feel welcome at church now. I feel like an outsider. There are so many people content with less than God's inheritance than it is uncomfortable. It's easier to send away dark spirits than it is to have to go to church with people who unknowingly are still comfortable with those same spirits. 
Anyways, that's my story. I know it's long, and odd. Maybe even dubious for people, considering I once wasnt sane. But those seeking love and light, and oneness with God will always see past anything of this life, for truths of eternity. Sometimes it takes time.
If I can share any lasting wisdom, I would advise those seeking to learn in love. Deception comes easiest to those who seek power over love. I walked a fine line there, but was blessed because of how ignorant (doh!) I am/was. Also, patience truly is a virtue. Godly patience takes misery and refines it to beauty.
I wish well to all those who enter in the gate toward our Father. No matter what, it is worth it.
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