Home » Calling and Election Made Sure » How You Received Your Calling and Election Made Sure » Never Abandoned Again
| Never Abandoned Again [message #3559] |
Fri, 16 December 2016 14:27  |
Finrock
Messages: 12
Registered: December 2016
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Junior Member |
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My Calling and Election came a few months after my baptism by fire and the Holy Ghost. I have struggled in my life with the affects of being sexually abused as a young child by several people, including my grandmother and mother. I was not just sexually abused but I was raped multiple times between the ages of 4-7. These experiences were repressed and carefully controlled in the recesses of my mind but I could not escape the affects which manifested in symptoms associated with post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, and social retardation. I struggled in my marriage and in my relationships. I have developed many addictions over the course of my life to try and cope with the feelings I have felt. For many years I lived life thinking that the isolation, anxiety, depression, and loneliness that I was feeling was just normal. It was normal for me but I did not recognize that this isn't how God wants me to be. I have a tender and sensitive heart. I have forever tried to be a good and valiant servant of God. From a young age I simply believed in God and did not doubt. Despite my impediments it did not mean that I did not have experiences with God or that He was completely foreign to me. What was foreign to me was knowing what true love is. I did not feel loved. I felt like I was a horrible person. I felt that I was worthless. I felt that the distance that I felt from God was deserved and that it was because of my many sins and because I was never good enough to be valued, wanted, loved, and taken care of.
Yet, I did not lose my faith in God and Christ and had a testimony of them. However, this did not prevent me from being depressed and from trying to find ways to cope. I committed many sins and found myself feeling completely lost. The pain and suffering that I felt was more than I could endure. I finally was lead to a point where I could begin to confront the abuse and the abusers in my life. When this door was opened it began a journey that is not yet over but which has brought many challenges, changes, and blessings in to my life. I was trapped in this, what felt like to me, a chaotic ball of darkness. I real spiritual prison. As I began to learn about the mercy and goodness and power of Jesus Christ I began to call out to God. I was close to ending my life because I did not want to feel the feelings I was feeling any more. One day as I was alone I was kneeling in prayer, feeling great anguish, pain, sorrow, and I was very much troubled. Troubled because of the abuse that was inflicted upon me by others and troubled because of the abuse I had inflicted upon myself because of my choices and sins. I needed relief. I needed a way to be made whole. I needed the balm of Gilead. So I called out to God in my despair. As I was praying to the Father, I remember the story of Alma the younger in the Book of Mormon and that when he was in the gall of bitterness and engulfed by this great darkness, that he called out to Jesus Christ to save him. When this thought came in to my mind, I cried out to Jesus and I said, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me! It was at this point that I was overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit. It entered by body in a great rush and I was engulfed in this seering, yet healing and purifying fire. I lost all strength in my body as I knelt and I slumped to the ground overcome. All I could do was cry out to the Father and thank Him. This experienced changed my heart, my life and it allowed me know that Jesus Christ lives and His atonement is absolutely real. My mind was filled with pure knowledge and I now knew that Jesus Christ is real. That He lives. I did not just have a testimony any more. I experienced great joy and for several weeks afterwards I experienced several gifts of the spirit. I saw and experienced my surroundings, my life with great clarity. The scriptures were opened to me and I understood them as never before. I was able to prophecy and was shown visions of the future particularly of the Second coming of Christ and how there is a time of reckoning and a great time of trial still ahead.
My trials did not cease however, after this experience, but I was filled with great strength and giving power and knowledge that has allowed me to endure. One I had a particularly bad experience in my relationships. I felt totally abandoned, sorrow, and I was feeling alone again. I prayed to God and I asked Him to comfort me and that I needed His strength. It was during this prayer that I was again filled with the Spirit, but this time it was this engulfing feeling of warmth and love and tenderness and mercy and goodness and kindness. I knew it was Heavenly Mother. She entered my heart, knowing that I have been abandoned by my earthly mother, and she told me at that time that She would never abandon me. I felt and saw in my mind this image of Heavenly Mother busting through all the darkness and all crap that was there in my life and She was telling me that I had suffered enough and She would not have none of that any more. I felt and I knew at that point that I was now Hers. She comforted me and gave me relief. Enough was enough and I have been saved. I will not be abandoned again, not by Her. She will never abandon me. I did not immediately recognize this as my calling and election but as I continued to read and study and ponder the thought kept coming to me that I have been saved. Thanks, in part to what I had read from Amonhi, I put together this experience with my calling and election. I did not want to just be making something up and so I didn't commit to the thought for a long time. I didn't speak to anyone about it (except anonymously). I didn't want to commit to this being my C&E but as I continued to ponder and to pray in my heart, the thought just kept coming to me and my reasoning was, if Heavenly Mother is not going to abandon me and if I am Hers, how is this not an assurance of eternal life. Finally, I came to accept that this was indeed my C&E. I prayed and asked. But, more than anything else, I feel in my heart that I am saved. I feel in my heart that God will be there for me. I feel in my heart that He has accepted my sacrifice and I know that I will not abandon Him/Her just as They will not abandon me. I feel peace and an assurance of a promise made.
-Finrock
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| Re: Never Abandoned Again [message #3567 is a reply to message #3559] |
Sun, 05 March 2017 21:22  |
bishop
Messages: 144
Registered: July 2010
Location: USA
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Senior Member |
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Beautiful story, Finrock. Thanks for sharing. I can relate in a way. I was not sexually abused as a child, but I was physically abused by my father. As a child, I adopted Heavenly Father as my father. This helped me to cope and to have some of my needs for a father figure met. I find it fascinating that Heavenly Mother would fill the void for your need of a righteous mother.
Unfortunately, our trials do not end when we receive CE. We are still here in the Telestial world, and we are still given opportunities for personal growth. We call this The Big Letdown. We feel letdown because we thought CE would be something different than it is. Joseph Smith suffered his terrible trial in Liberty jail after his CE. But there are so many advantages, that it is well worth it.
Thank you again for sharing.
Bishop
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